Home > Entertainment, G - General Audience, Misc > 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover (Part 1 of 5)

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover (Part 1 of 5)

We all know the song – or maybe not.  I only learned of the 1975 Paul Simon hit about six years ago as I was in the midst of leaving my then “lover”.  It seemed every time I got into my car the song was playing on the radio.  It’s a fun song that encourages some thought on the abundance of ways to end relationships.  So,  “just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan, you don’t need to be coy, Roy – Just get yourself free”… It’s the first ten of 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.

1. On a Post-It

The Infamous Break Up Post It

“Berger broke up with me on a Post-It!”  Who can forget the 2008 break up of Sex and the City’s Carrie and Berger when Berger tastelessly leaves her with the words “I’m sorry, I can’t, don’t hate me” on a Post-It note.  We all thought Berger was a great big whiny cry baby anyway so it wasn’t a huge loss for Carrie.  But how rude!

2. Standing in the Rain

 

Brenda Left Standing in the Rain by Sonny

This tragic way to leave your lover was forever epitomized for me by the love saga of Brenda Barrett and Sonny Corinthos on ABC’s General Hospital.  I was obsessed with the on-again off-again couple for years.  I had a crush on mobster Sonny, and an even bigger one on Brenda as portrayed by the lovely Vanessa Marcil.  I hurried home from school to catch the soap and when I later worked full time, I recorded the show faithfully and caught up with my favorite couple on the weekends.  When Sonny jilted Brenda at the altar in 1998, she exited the church doors into a downpour and gave the line that would forever live in GH infamy: “He always leaves me standing in the rain.”

3. In Search of Oneself

The Search Begins

Who hasn’t heard about this cliche?  It may not have happened to you, but somebody is always being left by a lover who says “I need to find myself”.  What that really translates to is “I need to find out if I like someone better than you.”  Unlike the majority of methods for leaving your lover, in this case the leaver is usually trying to leave the door open for a return…if they find themselves in the right place that is.

4. Before the Sun Comes Up

Finding Your Way Out

Ahh, the one night stand.  You wake up in the wee morning hours to find yourself next to a drunken mistake.  You sneak out of bed, round up your clothes strewn about the room and slip out the door hoping you’re not too far from home.  If you walk out and find that you are already home, then you’ll have to find some other way to leave this lover.

5. At the Altar

Left at the Altar

Now, I’ve never met anyone that has met anyone that this has happened to, but if we are to believe what happens in movies and television, this happens ALL THE TIME!  I guess the old expression about getting cold feet on your wedding day must be rooted in some truth but seriously, can’t these people tell something is amiss before thousands of dollars are spent and hundreds of people are present to witness the fiasco?  Then again, maybe that’s the whole point.  I wouldn’t know.

6. By Sending Them to Jail

A Sad Place to Contemplate Lost Love

What?  Crazy, far-fetched, overboard.  Yeah, but unlike number 5, I actually do know someone who was left this way.  We’re not talking your typical domestic violence interrupted by a visit from the cops.  This was a couple partaking in some illegal recreation and the wife turning the husband into the cops AND emptying their bank accounts on her way out of town as he sat in jail wondering why she wouldn’t answer his call.  It was quite heartbreaking to witness and made me believe I had been in the presence of true evil for years.  I later learned that there was definitely more to that leaver’s story than I would ever know.  But the lesson there is, if your lover knows you are involved in illegal activity, beware.  (Not to worry, he met a younger, prettier girl shortly after and all was well again.  I’m sure that one will pop up in a later segment.)

7. Without a Dime

Empty Pockets

If you’re an older, financially stable, single person who is suddenly receiving the attention of a much younger, fun-loving, money spending person, you may be in danger of being left in this manner.  This isn’t exclusive to men or women, both can be the leavers or victims in this situation.  I just always wonder why people don’t see this one coming.  I suppose it is that twitterpation (that would be the description of new love that makes you oblivious to everything else in the world – ask the owl from Bambi about it).  Love can make us pretty stupid sometimes.

8. For Their Own Good

Trust Me, It's for Your Own Good

This rarely is what it is said to be.  But that doesn’t stop leavers from telling their lovers that they have to leave them for their own good.  Not unlike #3, this usually means there is someone else in the picture or the leaver just doesn’t want to be attached anymore.  However, even though I believe it’s a cop out, I can attest that in some rare cases it may actually end up being the best thing for a couple, and could actually make them stronger later.  Go figure.

9. For Your Marriage

Lover on the Side

To be honest, every time I hear the word “lover” it makes me think of someone you cheat on your significant other with.  And those on the side lovers should know that most of the time, despite the promises and somedays, those married leavers aren’t going to leave their husbands and wives, they’ll just leave their “lover”.

10. In a Voicemail

Hello/Goodbye

 

“Please leave a message after the tone…beeeeep”

“Um, hey it’s me.  Listen, uuuhh this isn’t really working out for me.  I think maybe we need to spend some time apart, so uh, yeah.  See you around.”

Does this really happen?  Probably more often than I care to know.  It’s a pretty cowardly way to leave your lover.  Although it is slightly more respectable than a Post-It.

“And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover” – Paul Simon

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